Black Friday Fairy Tales – Reality Test

“Sheldon!”, a roar came from the upper part of the house. Paint on Leprechaun’s face turned from pale into dead white.

“What is that?”, Seymour mumbled as the lines on his face were making a sketch of terror. Harmony got so scared that she ran below the rug spread along the middle of the basement. It was a roar of a true beast.

“It… It can’t be. Harmony, did you give sleeping pills to my mother?”, a lawyer asked pushing himself up from a large chair he was anchored to.

“I… I don’t know. Maybe I forgot.”

“How in the non God’s sake could you let yourself forget that!?” “Sheldon!”, the roar repeated. It was like God decided to combine bear, dragon, and lion into a single being and cut it lose. Little leprechaun ran out of his chair and went for the stairs. Before every step, he would jump forward. Followed by the muffled blunt blow, the upper part of his body would finish on the higher ground. Like a fish on dry, he would wiggle until his legs would come aboard. It took him a whole minute to climb over twenty stairs. He was barely able to pull himself up. While he was panting Seymour noticed that this leprechaun was notably shorter than the one that approached him inside Halloween swirl. It seemed so weird how he hadn’t noticed it right after Sheldon left the table. He expressed his curiosity and, as soon as lawyer Sheldon caught a breath, received the explanation:

“It’s because of how God made stairs. When you are at the top ready to go down they shrink. And when you are at the bottom and need to go up they rise. That is why I, to you, now look smaller than my evil twin brother.”

“That could be true. I always thought that stairs play trick on us”, Seymour agreed. Another roar calling Sheldon flew through space. This time the walls shook.

“I must go now”, leprechaun’s words sounded like a goodbye. “Harmony, would you be so kind as to help our history professor do the test in my absence?”

She pulled her head out of rug: “Are you crazy!? You know well what my psychiatrist told me to do when old people start nagging!”

“Harmony, please… I will make it worth your while.”

“No.”

“I will give you a green hood for a day!”

“Good! But keep her quiet. Otherwise I may lose it again!”

“Don’t worry.” Leprechaun had left and Harmony took his place at the table. The girl was fumbling through the piles and piles of sheets that seemed to be growing in numbers until she found a red folder. She opened it and started reading:” Question number one: Do you consider yourself for a real person?”

“Yes”, Seymour said. She took a pen and circled the answer.

“Question number two: Are you sure?”

“Yes”, Seymour repeated.

“Question number three: Are you absolutely sure?”

After few moments spent in reflex palpating of his head, Seymour looked at her with disbelief and said: “Yes. I am sure.”

“Good. Question number four: Do you consider yourself to be man?”

“Yes. I am a man.”

“Question number five: Do you consider yourself to be a real man?”

“Yes”, he repeated.

“Question number six: Do you live with your mother?”

“Yes”, he whispered.

“Question number seven: Are you sure about your answer from question number five?”

“Now wait a minute! It’s not my fault the economy is falling apart. I have a college degree and… I am a man who doesn’t want to go to the bank and spend the rest of his life paying debts!”

“I understand you are a man but the question is: Are you real man?”

“Yes!”, he shouted.

“How many times did I tell you to sit when you pee”, grunting was coming from the upstairs.

Seymour wanted to say something but Harmony interrupted him: “Never mind them. Those are family matters. We all have our little personal closets with skeletons. Question number eight: Do you consider yourself to be real?”

“Yes.”

“Question number nine: Do people take you seriously?” Seymour dropped his look to the floor. And although this action occurred in time barely sufficient for an eye blink when he straightened himself Seymour’s eyes were noticeably soggy. After a few moments of silence, Harmony repeated: “Question number nine: Do people take you seriously?”

“It is just out of your reach! We discussed this matter over a million times”, grunting grew stronger.

“Question number nine”, Harmony ignored everything and repeated the question.

“I don’t know”, Seymour said. “I guess they don’t take me too seriously…”

“Yes or no?”

“No”, Seymour replied.

“You aren’t tall enough. You are barely taller then the seat. You must climb up and sit. Otherwise you will always make a mess”, howel grew even stronger.

“Question number ten: Do you sit when you pee?”

“That is a private matter.”

“You must answer all the questions. Do you sit when you pee?”

“Yes.”

“Question number eleven: Do you take yourself seriously?”

Seymour sighed loudly and then whispered: “No.”

“Question number twelve: How many Instagram followers do you have?”

“None. My account was banned for spamming”, he said in a confessional tone.

“There is just one more question. You are an entity with the following features: considers himself to be real; to be man; to be the real man; lives with mother; is sure that he is a real man; is sure that he is real; people don’t take him seriously; sits when he pees; doesn’t take himself seriously; has zero Instagram followers due to being banned because of spam”, after stating all of this Harmony made a pause, looked at the sheet and then switched her glance back at Seymour: “Question number thirteen: Seriously, are you real?”

“I am real”, Seymour said.

“Well, then it’s settled, you belong to the Real Rest party.”

 

Author: Nikola Misovic

Instagram: nikolamisovic239

Rights: For any distributions outside the website you must obtain the approval of the author.

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